I have never created a blog, nor do I have a great deal of computer expirience. Two days ago, I decided to kill myself. As I am not a typical person, I have decided to set a date in the future. I think June 26, 2015 would be a great day to finish the job. I have contemplated this several times before, but I have always come to the conclusion that it would be selfish of me to do this to my children. At this point in my life, I am sure it will be to their benefit. I will give a short rundown of the events leading to today, that play a persuasive roll in my future acts.
First of all, I was born. My parents should of aborted me from the start, but my mother, like myself, is a chronic bad choice maker. I am the fourth of six children that was raised in filth, squallor, and poverty. I was a skinny, fraile, juvenile delinquent, that frequently got a size 13 steel toe boot up my ass, kicked across the room. I have been sexually molested by six different males from my family, from as back as I can remember. I have been raped three times on three seperate occasions. As a juvenile, I had several incidences with the law, ending in foster care, psychiatric units and youth facilities all before I was an adult. I started drinking hard liquor at the age of eight, smoking pot at nine, acid at ten, and so on...
At the age of fifteen, I met a nice dude, had a couple of kids, and dated him for eight and a half years. I am a mentally ill person having been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar, and PMDD. It was an volatile relationship. One week shy of my nineteenth birthday, I was subject to an ass whoopin from my boyfriend twice my size. I was pregnant with my second child, and when I grabbed a paring knife off of my counter, I had no idea it would draw me into a relationship with a neverending cycle of imprisonment within my lifes confines. I merely used the knife as a detterent, and it only acted as a stimulant to the altercation. When he tried to take the knife from my hands, he twisted my arm in such a way that he was the recipient of a gash to his forearm. From where I am from, it would not be his arm had I wanted to cut him. I called the police to get him away from me and even told them to check his arm and make sure he was O.K.! They came and picked me up a week later. AGGRAVATED BATTERY, which is a felony, will ruin anyone. I did not have my house in order, so the Illinois Department Of Children and Family Services was called in. I could never understand how I got a DCFS case, if on the evening of June 19, 1995, I was told to leave the residence, since it was not my residence, it was his. Where is his case? I ended up with a very cocky caseworker. He intimidated me just to make me suffer. Because of that intimidation, I gave my boyfriend custody of my two children, and when he left me in 1999, he took them and my faith away with him. I found out had been cheating on me for seven years, and within a week of her stepping in, everything changed.
So, whats a girl to do, i was twenty- two, single, and twenty-five pounds lighter after three weeks. I drank, all the time, became a sex-aholic. I was on a path of my own self destruction, because I didnt want to take my pain out on others. I had another child, and straightened my act up, I started to act right, for what? I got married, he kicked me and my youngest out on the street.
Anyway, Im whining. In the last year, I have been laid off two times, I bring home about 400 a month after taxes...who could live like that? I met the most selfish man I have ever known, left him after I was all used up. I am going bankrupt after working my ass off for thee years. My grandfather has terminal cancer, I am very close with him after I lived with him for three years. My mother has lice and thinks it is o.k. , even if she passes it to me or my kids. I have about a week till I am homeless. I think my boyfriend is playing my kids against me, either that, or my seventeen year old daughter and him are having some type of relationship. My nine year old hates me, and my fifteen year old is a fucking teenage boy, but, it is because of him that i stick around, because I want to protect him as long as he lives with my ex-boyfriend. The man who has custody of my kids is only the father of my daughter, not my son. There is nothing I can do about it other than pay child support. I pay extra too, just to try to keep his step-mother happy. With her, it is only about the money, and could give two shits about my son. I love my son, and would not leave him like that, but when he is gone off to college, and out of there, I can finally set myself free from this God forsaken life
